The Last Time.

My Best Friend Melissa B told me once a great wisdom that her mother shared with her….” A woman is never over a man over the Next Time, she’s over him because of the Last Time.”

This phrase saved my life. It took me a moment to understand the completeness of what this meant. As women we so often say, the next time he does or says this, then I am gone. Usually, that isn’t the case. Usually we just wake up one morning and say, yea. This no longer works whether it’s because of what he did last night or the culmination of the last few years, something clicks, and we realize there will be no next time, because we will no longer be part of a union that doesn’t serve us in a healthy manner.

When I moved to Atlanta, I wasn’t running away. I knew this was somewhere I needed to be, I didn’t know why at the time there was just peace. But, I came very close to carrying chaos along for the ride with me. I can’t blame another party for this chaos, because it’s a chaos that existed due to my allowance of it. It was a chaos that existed because I was chaotic inside. This chaos that was in me matched a chaos within him and it was Lightning, Thunder, and Tornadoes every day. Sometimes in a beautiful watching-nature-in-awe-from-afar kind of way, but mostly in an explosive damage, leaving debris in its path kind of way. We served plates of it up, morning noon and evening. It took a professional to verbalize what I couldn’t.  Co-Dependent, Unhealthy, Time Apart.

Time Apart that would test the genuineness of truth. The test subject failed. It was the last hope I had of some realization of purity. It was lost. One of the few times in my life that a period was in order instead of a … pause that I so commonly like to use.

There were words. There were many things spoken that couldn’t be taken back, actions that rendered hearts in jagged pieces. I have friends that can recall the brokenness of who I was. I honestly didn’t know who that person was. I lost myself fairly early on in one of those beautiful hurricanes.

But Simple Words. In one of the last conversations. “We are going to do it my way now, We can fix you later, I know how to fix you. We will fix you later.”  That phrase, was my Last Time.

I now look in wonder at the truth that was in that phrase and that I had allowed it to be. The truth that I let someone be my destroyer and my Elmer’s Glue all rolled into one.  The problem with that phrase was. He couldn’t fix me. Only me allowing myself to surrender back to God could. A place I can now say that I let a human fill. A place I am determined not to allow to happen again.

Choosing to leave your best friend is a loss that lingers and The decision to lay down and walk away from the thing you are the most connected to isn’t an easy one. But neither is choosing to eat apples over Oreo’s when your life depends on it. My heart did. So I chose. I chose that the last time, wouldn’t be the next time, and I found that I never was alone. My Protector was always there, God had never left me. In fact the eagerness in which and what He wanted to show me has been clearly evident in our relationship over the passing months.

So daily, I prove, and I pray and I prepare, because the Next Time, will be the Last Time, at least for my heart.

Singing Out

Deanna Amarica

Advertisements

About lifelovenrandomness

My Journey, and the Multiple Random things that make up my life. Enjoy
This entry was posted in That Thing Called Love, The Hallelujah Chorus Part. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The Last Time.

  1. Imani says:

    I needed to read this!! Love it Deanna, please keep doing your thing!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s